Let us look at a very small and subtle way that the devil subverts our relationships with others: the daily “pinpricks.”
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The devil is an expert at turning small, ordinary occurrences in a relationship into overblown catastrophes that often lead to the divorce of a couple who appeared to have a perfectly normal marriage or causes a rift between family members that lasts the rest of their lives.
“Daily Pinpricks”
Screwtape, in his correspondence with Wormwood, frames the situation like this (using the example of a son and his mother),
When two humans have lived together for many years it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which are almost unendurably irritating to the other. Work on that. Bring fully into the consciousness of your patient that particular lift of his mother’s eyebrows which he learned to dislike in the nursery, and let him think how much he dislikes it. Let him assume that she knows how annoying it is and does it to annoy….And, of course, never let him suspect that he has tones and looks which similarly annoy her. As he cannot see or hear himself, this is easily managed. (Scewtape Letters, 13).
Screwtape goes on to explain that these daily annoyances appear very “harmless” on the surface, but the manner in which they are given or received can become “a blow in the face” (13).
The devil loves to highlight these little things and they can range from anywhere to not picking up your clothes to “I simply ask her what time dinner will be and she files into a temper” (14). Whenever two or more people live in the same house, there will always be differences in how things are done and because we can’t read each other’s minds, we never know if something is done in spite or ignorance. The devil seizes on this opportunity and makes it seem to the other person that they don’t pick up their clothes intentionally in order to make life more miserable for their spouse or parent.
What happens is that if these daily annoyances are not talked about or communicated, they can fester for a long time and grow beneath the surface. Sooner or later the wound bursts open and the other person flies into a fury at the simplest thing and storms out of the house to file the divorce papers.
One of the translations of the Greek word “diabolos” is “to divide” and that is one thing the devil does best.
Patience, Communication and the 5:1 Ratio
In any relationship, the best two ways to combat this temptation to get annoyed with someone is to have patience and to talk about it. Both are easier said than done.
Patience is a virtue not easily acquired, but it is one of the most fundamental virtues to living a life of peace and holiness. Without patience, we would daily fight about the littlest things and the relationship would fall apart soon after the honeymoon.
Yet, patience by itself is never enough in a healthy relationship. “Patience” could easily turn someone into a doormat whereby the other person walks on them on a daily basis. That is why communication is a most necessary key to living a happy and joy-filled marriage (or any type of relationship for that matter). If you do not talk about the things that are annoying you, then it is impossible for the other person to possibly change or to recognize their behavior.
To continue the example of not picking up your clothes, at first you can have a little patience, allowing the other person some leeway room, but if it is something that is perpetually bothering you, it must be talked about. It is a habit the can be changed.
It will be up to the couple to discuss and communicate what habits can be changed and what things will require a perpetual practice of patience.Some habits are easier to deal with than others. However, once the topic is out in the open, it can’t fester beneath the surface and become a greater problem down the road. Open communication is the key.
Additionally, when a daily “pinprick” involves something more along the lines of a negative interaction (like a sarcastic one-liner), it is most vital to implement the 5:1 ratio. Dr. John Buri put it this way,
John Gottman is arguably the foremost love expert in the world, and he has reported that couples who have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative exchanges have a happy relationship — no small thing in today’s potpourri of love. In other words, if for every negative exchange with our partner, we have at least 5 positive exchanges, then we will maintain the love, joy, and happiness that we had on the wedding day (or on the first day we fell in love). This is what most of us want, and just think, all we have to do is to be more nice than nasty with the person we love. (Love Bytes, emphasis added)
This is another way to successfully combat the “daily pinpricks” of life and not allow satan to enter into a relationship, whereby he will strive to put a wedge between two people and infuse the relationship with an excessive amount of negativity.
Again, all of these things are easier said than done, but we must start on the road to recover our relationship before the devil makes such a chasm that is almost impossible to repair the damage. The important part is to acknowledge and address the problem before it boils underneath the surface.
Takeaway Point: Remember that the devil is active in all things and he enjoys dividing relationships and creating tension. Combat the daily “pinpricks” by talking to each other and implementing the 5:1 ratio.
***If you would like to follow-along reading the The Screwtape Letters, I suggest to purchase your own copy of C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters
